This Fall, for the first time in SIX years, I will not return to a place of higher education. While I am enthused that I will not have to wait for the e-mail that indicates how much tuition will be in the fall, I will not return to the joys of heated class discussion. I will not return to meeting new strangers who could possibly become my best of friends. That's boring and wack, but yet kinda exciting!!
I am moving in the "work" field and attempting to do my own thing. I am going into a world where people aren't as nice as they seemed to be. I am going into a world where my best interest are not the concerns of many. I am going into a world where bitterness and greed has consumed the very presence of the human soul. I am going into a world where people are idolized for their ability to be "powerful". I am going into a world where pretentiousness is welcomed and celebrated. I am going into the world that I have been created in. As much as I don't want to be this way, I am a product of those people, places and things and I am scared to become "one of them". I'm scared to lose my zeal. I am scared to lose my interest in the field. I am scared to lose my youthfulness by aging. I am scared to intimidate and to be intimidated. I am scared to be me in a world full of "them".
I compare my life to the conception of a child.
THE CREATION There are many couples who have to try and try to become pregnant. When they do become pregnant they are excited!
The BARRIERS: That excitement is followed up by morning sickness, indigestion, mood swings, and sometimes ugliness! (sorry pregs peeps).
The LET DOWN: For some women they can get all the way up to 3-4 months and have a miscarriage. The dissapointment in not carrying out a promise that became public is horrendous.
RETRY:The parents try again, however they are apprehensive around 3-4 months. Once in the clear it seems as though the excitement and confidence builds again. Month 8 arrives and the reality of being parents are finally here. Anxiety now is present, bills are due and people are annoying you! This is not what planned parenthood is, right? However...once the woman is in labor nothing else matters.
THE BIRTH: The worse pain in the entire universe is when the woman's body is shaping its cervix to push the child out of the body. The pinnacle of the pain is when the baby becomes visible to everyone else, also known as crowning.
I know that many of my posts can be parralled to random tangents BUT if there is one that you haven't read please read this:
MY CREATION: my creation was not a mistake nor was yours. I have been manifesting in my wisdom and love for the past 24 years.
MY BARRIERS: I have broken through so many barriers that I didn't think I could break through. I'm a black woman, who is zealous and ambitious and could be seen as aggressive. I am outspoken and I love hard which leads to defending those who will not mind creating me to be the scapegoat.
MY LET DOWNS: The pain in being dissapointed by family and friends, defeat in not feeling as accomplished of others and exhaustion of working countless and endless hours has been challenging
MY RETRY: Questions I asked myself: Hardwork pays off not crying, right? Alone time is good reflection time right? If GOD is for me, who can be againist me, right? It'll all be ok.
MY BIRTH: I am beginning to recognize no one understands and needs me more than myself, and I am now ready to deliver myself to the world... I'm crowning and everyone is FINALLY able to see me.
While this time initiates a great deal of angst, I am comforted by the peaceful and joyous moments in my past and now realize that the time of hiding behind the "veil" is over for me. I have been wanting to commit to a profession that allows me to be a trend setter, that encourages me to fight the battles that many are not strong enough to fight and that ultimately create a new frontier for myself however I am realizing that there will still be moments when I have to follow a trend to understand how the trend works. There are and will be moments where I will not be strong enough to fight my own battles. There are moments when the frontier is blocked but this is what I wanted. I am determined to continue to find those that have common goals and visions like me and help "them" become "us". I determined to continue to be me even when I don't want to be. This is what I want to do. So...I'll do it.
Help me stay brave because I WANT to be ready.
Peace.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Monday, July 2, 2012
Keeping...
So today I ran into a nostalgia about the friends I had when I was in college. Let me take you on a quick journey of "school" for me:
I went to a high school that was very "tv typical". In many instances I did not fit in any clique: with the white people, I wasn't rich enough, I wasn't smart enough and I didn't hang with the black people because I wasn't cool enough. I wasn't one of the artsy kids and I wasn't a student athelete, I was just Erica. Instead of searching for that one group of people to spend all my time with, I decided to split my time up with everyone so I would never have to develope a REAL friendship. I had a rotating schedule at lunch, I would laugh with the most random soul walking and I would dap up all the dudes posted up. By me developing this mentality, I ended being one of the most popular kids in the school. I won Homecoming Queen and I was on the Prom Court. At the end of the day, I didn't have many friends, I just had a lot of associates.
Sure I knew a lot of people, but how many of those people knew how sad I was at times? None. How many of those people knew that I had an eating disorder? None. How many of those people knew the abuse I was enduring? None.
I decided to go to a Historically Black University because I wanted to be more "intuned" with my own culture. Let me tell you, the first couple of weeks, I saw it as high school all over again. There were cliques galore: the party people, the Greek people, the Honor's College Kids, the Band kids, the "Churchy Kids" (who were also in the Gospel choir) and the University Choir Kids. Because of my major and my participation in the University Choir, I fell into the category of being a UC kid. We would randomly harmonize to a song on the radio or in the breezeway or in the cafe or would randomly laugh at people who thought they could sing. There was a group of us that came in together. We seemed like we were all meant to be in the same space at the same time. We become more than just a choir, we became FRIENDS. We started having late-night runs to Walmart and Cookout which included long chats outside our buildings. We started learning about the daunting pasts that we all seemed to be running away from. We started to recognize that NOTHING happens by accident but EVERYTHING happens for a reason. I knew that at 12:oopm everyday, I would meet with a group of people who wanted to understand me for at least 50 minutes but many instances it would go beyond that 50 minutes. In this time I met some of the most influential people who became mentors, friends, sisters and brothers. Once I recognized that they accepted me flaws and all, I became confident in who I was and I begin to merge into other groups and meeting other people outside of my circle. I started becoming passionate about things that I knew was in my realm of control. I started to become me. Now, sure these four years were filled with moments of frustration, anger, hurt and mistrust, but those moments are so faint because the buckets of laughters and "ah-ha" moments were PLENTIFUL!
And I am coming to understand that: I miss my friends that cared about what I had to say. I miss my friends that would care enough about me to tell me what they had to say. I miss my friends that would understand the purpose of my laughter and tears. I miss my friends who were strong enough to defend me at all cost. I miss my friends that would not complain about the struggle but work hard enough to take away someone else's struggle. I miss the authenticity. I miss the late night talks. I miss the friendship. Now that I am a few hundred miles away, I still haven't found that feeling. That comfort. That joy. That peace. I want it back.
I want to Be brave. Be ready
I went to a high school that was very "tv typical". In many instances I did not fit in any clique: with the white people, I wasn't rich enough, I wasn't smart enough and I didn't hang with the black people because I wasn't cool enough. I wasn't one of the artsy kids and I wasn't a student athelete, I was just Erica. Instead of searching for that one group of people to spend all my time with, I decided to split my time up with everyone so I would never have to develope a REAL friendship. I had a rotating schedule at lunch, I would laugh with the most random soul walking and I would dap up all the dudes posted up. By me developing this mentality, I ended being one of the most popular kids in the school. I won Homecoming Queen and I was on the Prom Court. At the end of the day, I didn't have many friends, I just had a lot of associates.
Sure I knew a lot of people, but how many of those people knew how sad I was at times? None. How many of those people knew that I had an eating disorder? None. How many of those people knew the abuse I was enduring? None.
I decided to go to a Historically Black University because I wanted to be more "intuned" with my own culture. Let me tell you, the first couple of weeks, I saw it as high school all over again. There were cliques galore: the party people, the Greek people, the Honor's College Kids, the Band kids, the "Churchy Kids" (who were also in the Gospel choir) and the University Choir Kids. Because of my major and my participation in the University Choir, I fell into the category of being a UC kid. We would randomly harmonize to a song on the radio or in the breezeway or in the cafe or would randomly laugh at people who thought they could sing. There was a group of us that came in together. We seemed like we were all meant to be in the same space at the same time. We become more than just a choir, we became FRIENDS. We started having late-night runs to Walmart and Cookout which included long chats outside our buildings. We started learning about the daunting pasts that we all seemed to be running away from. We started to recognize that NOTHING happens by accident but EVERYTHING happens for a reason. I knew that at 12:oopm everyday, I would meet with a group of people who wanted to understand me for at least 50 minutes but many instances it would go beyond that 50 minutes. In this time I met some of the most influential people who became mentors, friends, sisters and brothers. Once I recognized that they accepted me flaws and all, I became confident in who I was and I begin to merge into other groups and meeting other people outside of my circle. I started becoming passionate about things that I knew was in my realm of control. I started to become me. Now, sure these four years were filled with moments of frustration, anger, hurt and mistrust, but those moments are so faint because the buckets of laughters and "ah-ha" moments were PLENTIFUL!
And I am coming to understand that: I miss my friends that cared about what I had to say. I miss my friends that would care enough about me to tell me what they had to say. I miss my friends that would understand the purpose of my laughter and tears. I miss my friends who were strong enough to defend me at all cost. I miss my friends that would not complain about the struggle but work hard enough to take away someone else's struggle. I miss the authenticity. I miss the late night talks. I miss the friendship. Now that I am a few hundred miles away, I still haven't found that feeling. That comfort. That joy. That peace. I want it back.
I want to Be brave. Be ready
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