Killing Spree-Weapon of Choice: Condemnation

I woke up today and I was a bit irritated. As many of you have read that when I lost my job I had to come live with my parents, which actually has been a nice turn around, other than the morning times. I used to be able to sleep past 9am but now living at home, there is so much noise that I wake up around 6am. Now it is absolutely true that I can get up at that time to "get things done" but there isn't too much I want to get done at 6am, other than catching those other z's that are floating away. Well this morning, when I woke up I started beating myself up. I thought, "Well, you landed yourself here by making a mistake...Too bad you aren't perfect, right?" A few minutes passed by, I rolled over and sat up thinking, "The nerve of people to think it's the worse thing in the world to make a mistake!!" Therefore I begin to think about this:

There is so much condemnation in our society. No matter how "liberal" we feel things are getting, everywhere we turn there is something wrong or someone is doing something wrong or someone is saying something wrong. For example, Tracy Morgan. Apparently he made a comment about gay people and I am sure someone, somewhere made a big ruckus about it. He found himself publicly apologizing at least 5 times. When did comedians not have the right to be funny at someone's expense? He's a comedian for crying out loud. I feel like as a society we are always investigating the wrong doings of others versus looking at the hearts and intentions of others and I think that we as as people are on an emotional killing spree. What is this teaching our kids? That everyone should strive for perfection all the time, while neglecting the instincts we were born with? It's absolutely out of control!

I am very much so a Christian, and I believe in the Word of God. And if MY memory serves me correctly, the word decrees that if you are completely without sin, then you cast the first stone. This means, if you've done anything wrong, then you be the first to judge, but all of those who are capable to read this blog have made one mistake, if not many more. It's apart of who we are. Sure we were created in the likeness of Christ, be we have already fallen from grace, so why not help each other out, instead of single-handily push each other back down.

Growing up I was alone often, so I was left with was the tv, my music and my thoughts. Often times it ended up being my thoughts. I would sit back and think, wow, if they think this of this person for doing this, then they must be a horrible person. No one ever implied that the person was indeed a horrible person, but as a child you make your own inferences. With this idea, I became INCREDIBLY judgmental. I would judge people for what they looked like (which is completely out of some people's control *note I said some people---I'll blog about what I think about obese parents and kids at another time*), I would judge people for the religion they chose, I would judge people for the lifestyles they chose and I would even judge people on the mates they chose. Sure I was friendly and inviting to many, but those ideals put a cement wall up to those people never allowing them to get too close to me. As time went on and I wanted to know more about people, I realized that everyone shares some of the same feelings, some of the stressors and some of the same struggles. Sorrow, pain, sickness, happiness, peace and solidarity does not look for the address that has cute, straight, white or educated beside it.

I said all of that to say, people make mistakes. Many of us are more alike than different. People are human. Start looking at the heart of these people and not the external of their mistakes. Now sure, if you're an employer and your employee makes a costly mistake then absolutely do what is best for your company. But if you know that someone's intentions served a purpose yet their actions did not follow suit allow it to be a teachable moment. If this is too hard of a concept, then let the person know that what you're looking for is not a good fit for where they are. It's time that we start to look at the position in which someone is "applying for" and compare it to the person and guess what this requires? TIME! Many of us don't have it, so we rush, put people in places in our lives that they probably shouldn't have been in anyways, therefore we find ourselves stuck in a rut or tearing someone down. In addition, I am not saying be a doormat also. If someone is making the same mistake over and over, then yeah, they may not be a good fit for you. This is why I am emphatically reminding you to look at the intentions! However, I refuse to be one of those people who neglects a purposeful relationship because someone made a FREAKING mistake. I pray I am able to always see the heart of the person and understand their point of view. I also pray that I able to manage the people in my life appropriately to ensure that all person are satisfied with the relationship.

Be brave. Be ready.

Knumb.. (the K is silent!)

Still can't find an apartment and that is wack!

So, I got on facebook and I saw that my ex boyfriend that I've been involved with for about three years is "in a relationship." We broke up about three weeks ago. Obviously initiately it was a bit devastating for me. The craziest of thoughts started running through my mind such as: "Yeah, you weren't good enough," or "You were being played the whole time?" or "Wow. You meant nothing to him!". After ONE tear shed, I sat up and thought, "all of those things maybe true but this isn't the first time he has done something like this. This is not the first time you knew he wasn't completely emotionally invested in you. This is YOUR fault!" After I got up I started thinking how many times has he done this? Left, went to other people, came back and expected everything to still be the same? MANY TIMES. Then I further investigated my feelings and begin to think about how all this turmoil came about this summer. First my job, then my relationship, then I get kicked while I'm down and he is in another relationship? What the heck happened to me? At one point I was at the top of the world and now I feel like I am eating dirt for dinner EVERY NIGHT.

Well, I've been dealing with these issues day by day for some reason I keep thinking, why haven't I just broke down about it all? Normally I would be an emotional mess, but for some reason I have been so emotion-LESS lately. Could it be that I am really at peace with everything? Could it be that I am in denial? Could it be that I am too busy to even care right now? The answer could be yes to all questions. But I now realize that I am becoming NUMB to everything. I have been through so many emotional roller coasters over the past few years, that I now feel like, well... what's next. I don't know what is happening to me but I don't like being this way. I find that in the past few months I have lost friendships, relationships, financial stability and even a sense of dependability in people. However, I do notice I am gaining a sense of resiliency and a sense of self-responsibility but with these random spurts of apathy I notice I stop caring how others feel and how I make others feel. Don't get me wrong, I still have a lot of empathy and sympathy for those who seek my counsel but for a majority of my own personal issues, my attitude is "just get over it!" Some may read this and think that's a good motto, but I have never wanted to be that kind of person. I am learning that feeling is a vital part of life and those who don't feel are repressing feelings or are refusing to feel with hopes of not being hurt and I think that's where I am, but in turn I could be hurting others and just ignoring the small messages that life is trying to show me.

This post doesn't have any steps to get over this I am still there, but hopefully in time things will

balance themselves out. It is becoming a bit annoying though because it's seems as though every week I notice something new about myself that I need to change. Ugh! Becoming self-actualized is so tiresome at times, but I guess it will make me a better person?

Be brave. Be ready.

Kourageously Loving!

Today I was enjoying some quality time with my mom and I begin to ask her questions about my childhood. Unsurprisingly she shared with me that even as a young child, I was in tuned with my emotions and a roundabout way of being myself. Throughout life I have experienced some pretty traumatic events for me. From sicknesses, to heartache, I've pretty went through the ringer! I am now understanding myself more and more each day. With every new opportunity, one thing I pride myself in is the amount of love I continuously give people.

While it may have been difficult to get through a breakup or through the emancipation of a friendship, I somehow find myself apologizing first and being willing to makeup because I like to love. I always thought being in love was some magical moment and then when I was in it I would just have this ultimate epiphany. I would have all of these great memories of me and my significant other, but I now know that I've been in love for a very long time and I am in love with loving.

One thing that allows me to seek the face of God, being as faulty as I can be, is the fact that I refuse to hold anymore grudges and not forgive. I may come short on a lot of things but I take love by the horns and embrace it. With the amount of times I've been hurt you would think that I would give up on hoping that I could one day God will send the man I'm meant to have, but I know that it is possible for me fall in love. Sure, I am much more careful as to who I give my love to, but I refuse to believe that it's over for me.

From this point on, I am willing to love beyond myself. I am willing to love beyond pain and pleasure. I am willing to love beyond financial circumstances. I am willing to love those who do not want it. I am willing to love those who thought they were unlovable. I am willing to love that which I can change. And I am willing to love what I cannot change.

Be strong. Be ready.

Kinda Kloudy

Thought I would update everyone on my life.

Well, I am coming to terms with the job situation. I am pretty excited about finding something new and fresh! In addition, understanding that this situation will be necessary in order for me to do my internship well is an additive!

Have you ever felt like you gave something your all and your all wasn't good enough? Have you ever felt like this was your last opportunity to really prove something to someone? Have you wondered what else could I have done to make things different? Yeah, these are all the questions I asked myself, today. And the answer is: it's cloudy.

With all of that being said, I have just recently encountered another loss, a loss of friendship. When I first was made aware of the situation I was pretty cool about it, but after it sank it, I became pretty pissed off. A lot of time, energy, emotion and some finances were invested in this friendship. The worse part about it was that there was a probable solution that was out of the control of both of us.

When I ended a kinship a few years back I thought it was just the most awful thing that could ever happen. Here is this one person whom I talked to every single day for the past year and now all of that was going to stop because it was over. The one person I texted all day long, I called after work, on break, after work... ugh! Just doing the most!

Well, this time, it was a little different. My time was divided up in so many ways that I didn't have the opportunity to become infatuated with just one person. I had to be accessible to all of the people in my life, plus the new people, plus old friends mixed in with a little family time and drama. Well, this made things so much easier! Let me tell you, while I am perplexed at the timing this is all happening, I think I am okay! But if you ever find yourself in this predicament here are some things that can help ease the situation:

1. Let go of what you cannot change! People are one of those things in which we cannot change. When they have committed to being a certain way in their minds that is who they want to be at the time, let them be that person. It may not suit your living style. If it's too uncomfortable for you, be able to walk away.

2. Don't question who you are for the sake of this person. Just because this person did not see the vitality of you in their life, doesn't lessen who you, it just means that there is something or someone else that is craving your spirit and your presence in their life. Those idiosyncratic traits about you are what makes you unique! If they disliked/hated them, they weren't supposed to be in your life anyway!

3. Don't take BS! Don't feel like you're so attached to someone that they can walk all over you and treat you any kind of way. I don't know if they have some life changing situation that forbaded them from using the bathroom just like you do but they are just as human as you are. Don't give them any kind of power over you! And to be honest 9 times of out 10, they don't even want that power. They don't want that responsibility of being the one who made you feel bad.

4. Don't take all the blame! Just because something ended doesn't mean that it's all your fault. Unless you committed a sin toward them or someone else, don't you blame yourself for this downfall. They are just as blemished and wounded as you are. They are NOT the victim and neither are you!!

5. ALWAYS Follow your intuition. Don't wait for the other person to get out of the situation if you already know it's not for you. If you have a feeling that things are going awry and the situation/friendship/relationship is not working for you, leave. Don't waste anymore time, effort or energy. Don't pray that they see how good they had it, but pray that they realize their own power over others and not to abuse that power.

6. They are not a bad person! Just because things did not work between you and the person, that doesn't make them a horrible person, even if they hurt you. There was something about them that you loved in order to build that kinship, so don't disregard their good. Sometimes, we have been hurt so much that we don't even know how to love. It could be a situation where the person is not willing to commit themselves to loving someone because they are still searching for "something better". They could genuinely feel like you're not the one. They could be frustrated with other circumstances and they took it out on you. They may honestly have bad qualities but God is not a man that His creation should ever be deemed bad.

Pray for and love your enemies. Pray for those who hurt you. Pray that you both are able to reach an amicable agreement. Pray away bitterness/angry/frustration. Pray that God heals your hurt. You are what's most important to you. There could be just one person that is depending you to come out on top to give them the hope they need! Pray that your mind be occupied with things and people who love you unconditionally. Start living for you so that you can learn to love you!

SO, back to my earlier metaphor of my feelings of clouds. I said that to say clouds are some of the most important parts of our weather system. When they are big and dark, it typically rains. When it rains, we have to rush through the weather to seek cover. But once we seek cover it such a relief. When you feel like your sky is covered in HUGE, grey clouds, rush to through the storm to find your place of peace and stay inside that place until you know it's safe to come out. Safe guard your heart but understand that when the clouds are gone, come back out and try it once more!

Be brave. Be ready.

Kontroversy brings Krisis and Kollapsing Faith

This past week has been one of the most TRYING weeks of my life. There is no exaggeration in that. I have been struggling with something many of us have seen or experienced and that is LOSING MY JOB.

Now, if I would have lost my job because of the economy I would probably be just as sad but because I lost my job due to controversy then obviously i am much more irritated, hurt, sad, annoyed, angry and every other feeling and emotion that comes in this hot mess of a situation.

Long story short one of my employees was expecting and I didn't report to my supervisors that she was preggers. Silly me, thinking that people have the right to their own business! psh! smh! But anyways my parents allowed me to come back home until I can find somewhere to live. I worked where I lived. I don't want to specify what my job title was, but if you read enough of my post and you're familiar with higher ed, you can put two and two together. Anywho, that left me in a hot mess of a pickle.

Thoughts such as "OMG! It's probably not even that bad..." are probably wondering around in some of your heads, but you have to know me and understand how important planning and organization is to me.

I love my family and I am so very thankful that there are there to cushion me when I need to come home, but living in a house of three adults and two teenagers and an overly anxious (who barks incessantly) Pomeranian is not the most ideal. Not to mention the gargantuan amount of stuff I have does not fit in my parents house. I love being organized. I love being in a routine and all of that has been thrown to the wolves. Now those who have been privi to my situation have offered words of encouragement such as "Oh, it will get better." or "Erica, you're such a good person, I know things will turn around." While those words are appreciated it still hurts and it still sucks. I am a 23 year old woman, in graduate school, living out of multiple suitcases and sleeping on an air mattress.

One suggestion I offered to those who I discussed options with was leaving school for a while to pursue a full time job. The amount of negative feedback from this was absurd. Some were suggesting that should I not finish graduate school I wouldn't have a successful life. Uh! I'm not sure if you knew, but in order to get into graduate school you have to have a BACHELOR's DEGREE! Now I completely understand that times are hard and a Bachelor's is seen to be like a high school diploma. And I also understand that giving up is not typically my thing, especially when it comes to school. But gee whiz! I need to work! I need money! I thrive off of money (and shop a lot!)! Many of the people I know that did go back to live with their family after graduating from college don't have younger siblings or don't care, uh... I DO!

"I thought her posts were here to offer suggestions". Well, when I first started writing this, I was thinking " I don't have any hope to give, I was just writing this to release some steam" but now that I am seeing some sort of light from somewhere, I know that there are ways we can get through these situations.

1. Emotional perspiration-- It's okay to cry! In a previous post I talked about not making a pity party for yourself, but at some point in time, it is okay to cry, but you have to understand that crying can only serve as a tool when you know that after you finish crying you still have to pick up the pieces. In many instances I want to cry but I sometimes tell myself what's the point in crying it won't solve anything, but how wrong was I. Find yourself a good spot alone where you can cry your soul out and be done for the day or for the next few days. Don't make crying such a habitual thing that you find yourself getting headaches over it.

2. Find a friend that will SHUT YOU UP! I have been fortunate enough to have wonderful friends that are incredibly encouraging. I have have been fortunate enough to have wonderful friends that will open up their houses for me to live in. I have been incredibly fortunate enough to have friends that will pray you through some stuff. But I have been fortunate enough to have friends to tell me to "suck it up and deal with it!" and sometimes I have to be that friend for myself. One of my friends called me and said, "I can only imagine what you're going through but we're going to talk about it once, pray and it's over!" That conversation gave me the fortitude to yearn for resilience.

3. Do things that will keep your mind off it. For example, there was no better time for this to happen than for me to be in summer school. When my life is running a muck, staying busy is the best thing I can do sometimes to keep from sulking. When you don't have anything else going on in your life, it allows time to creep in and you start thinking about the most outlandish things and then you will find yourself in a depression. So keep busy!

4. Find something to love. Some would say somebody to love, but I will say something, because people are just as consistent as the weather and a new reality tv show! Fall in love with something. This year one of my goals was to fall in love. As a girl would, I expected it to be with one person, but instead it was a job! Teaching music was one of the most INSPIRING things I could have ever done in my life. Even though I had to wake up at 5am and typically wouldn't go to sleep uptil 1am, I loved every moment of being with my student. I loved the challenges it presented! I love the drama! I loved the frustration! I loved it all! And the best part is that music did what it does best and that is help others to see the best in all circumstances. Now that the year is over I have kept into contact with many of my students who remind me of my purpose in life!

5. It's darkest RIGHT BEFORE DAWN. I could wallow in sorrow for the next few weeks but I won't because I know that it will not always be this way. I am a pretty cool person and I think I have quite a bit to offer the world. I've never been confident in myself but I am confident in my faith. I know that God didn't bring me all the way through 23 years with some of the most ridonkulous situations to just drop me off in the middle of this mess. Sure, it's WAY easier said than done. But it's so much more doable than death. Will there be some days when I would rather be in my own space? Will there be some days when I would love to see the choices I have when it comes to clothes? Will there be some days when I want to just sit in the middle of my air mattress and cry? HECK YES! But did it get better the last time? Yup. Will it get better again? YUP!

So, I know many of you will not read through this whole thing, so me writing this is much more cathartic for me than anything. I encourage you to be ready and be brave. The end is much closer than the beginning.

Be ready. Be strong.

KOP OUT!

Today marked an incredibly momentous day in my life. I've done some reflection of the past two years and here's how I can sum it up the best way I know how:

In high school there was one thing I did well, SING! Cool, well I thought I was too fat to ever be a REAL performer, so I thought the next best thing was being a music teacher.

I went to undergrad to become a music teacher. Never really perfected the skills I needed in order to be truly successful such as sight reading and piano playing. I went on to student teach. I taught elementary and middle school. Well, even though my cooperating teachers were WONDERFUL musicians, I struggled a bit, especially in the arena of piano playing. What did I do? I decided, "you know what? This music thing is really not for me. I really like talking to the kids about their problems, I am going to go to graduate school and become a counselor. I don't need to play the piano to do that!" and that's what I did.

Well, I came to graduate school to be a school counselor and I got a big fat C in a simple class that everyone else was getting A's in. I was getting horrible grades on papers and I had no IDEA of what APA format was. My verbiage and grammar in professional papers was so HORRID that the professors were like "do you even know what you're talking about?" I started thinking, "you know, this counseling thing may not be for me either."

Fortunately while in graduate school I acquiesced a job in higher ed. Great job and semi-great pay. Because I kind of understand how to build relationships with people, or so I think I do, I got super close to some of my student-employees. So close that the lines between professional life and personal life were a bit blurred. We all laughed all the time and had a blast. Sure there were some issues here and there, but I thought I was doing a wonderful job especially with being a supervisor for the first time! WRONG AGAIN! In this process I made some of the most HORRIBLE judgement calls. Ways I should have handled some situations I didn't handle well at all. And now what am I thinking, "well, this job doesn't really seem to fit me, perhaps I should find something else."

**SN-NO I DID NOT SLEEP/HAVE A ROMANTIC/INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP with any of workers**

I said all of this to say I have been living a life of a POWERLESS person. I have given up on myself time after time again for mistakes that I have made. Instead of picking up where I left off and giving myself another chance, I told myself I was just too stupid or I would never do well at this. I told myself I wasn't ready for this. I allowed myself to become a cop out. So there are five things that I'm going to say to myself and if you want to apply them to your life, by all means please do.

1. Be willing to work hard for that in which you want! Instead of working hard to get to where I needed to be or get the results I looked for, I would give up and lay around and cry about a situation that I knew I could change. I now have learned that no matter what I do in life, I have to give it my all. I have to learn to have as much passion about myself as I do about others! I have to be strong and be okay with me falling sometimes. I may not be the best at everything I try, but TRYING my best is what's really important!

2. Stop being the victim & MOVE ON! Everyone has a past. Everyone has been through something. I did not have the WORSE life ever and at some point I have got to stop blaming my past for the way I am now! I have to stop relishing on situations in which I feel like I was mistreated. I know that there will always been someone who will not support me or the things that I want to do, but for that one person there will always be several others who I know will be there for me 100%.

3. It's in MY HANDS! Whether I fail or succeed at any task I am given, it's in my hands. I have the choice to decide to pursue it wholeheartedly or to half a** my way through it. That is a decision I have to be willing to make. If I rush through a paper and don't read through it, or have someone else read through it and I get bad grade that's MY FAULT! I have to be accountable for my actions. If I want to do better, I have to be comfortable with asking for help!

4. COMPARING will get you NOWHERE! I have got to stop looking to see what others are doing and how successful they are. They have had their own battles to get to where they are. I was not made like everyone else and I was not cut from the same cloth. Therefore, I have my own way of doing things and the outcome can be just as successful.

5. LOVE ME! While I may talk a good game about being kind to yourself and loving yourself, I have got to take the same advice and love myself unconditionally. Even when it looks like I am driving a different car into a brick wall, I have got to love myself. I have to celebrate the me that's here and now, because even 2,011 years from NOW, there will never be another me. I have to be confident in who I am.

With all this being said, I have met some incredible people throughout my lifetime to help me learn these lessons. I am so appreciative for the words many have spoken to me to continuously encourage me that I am the only me.

Be strong. Be ready.

Kiss or Kross?

I have faced quite a few issues in the past few years regarding my opinions and my attitudes toward certain things, and I had to address it because I know some of you may be experiencing the same kind of dilemma.

Okay, so the long story short is, I have always had a philosophy of not sucking up or kissing butt. I have always maintained an identiy of being a women full of integrity (and sometimes pride). I have always looked at sucking up as a willingness to compromise and demean who I am as a person to make some power hungry person feel better about me being compliant while others look at it as a tool to get ahead.

Some of you may be able to tell (via my blog or tweets) that I am a pretty outspoken young lady. I have tons of opinions and many times I think I am right. Unless there is another party who is willing to debate with me, more than likely my opnion will be heard and appreciated OR ELSE... :). My mother is a very intelligent and verbal woman (who has a Master's in Social Work) and my oldest sister is in law school at GW. Obviously "passionate conversation" have happened between the three of us. Not to mention, I come from a family of STRONG WOMEN so it's almost in my genes to be outspoken. It frustrates me when my outspokeness gets misconstrude with agressiveness or anger. Typically if I am going on and on about a specific topic I am just incredibly passionate about that subject matter. It does not mean that I will be angry afterward or hold some silly grudge. I just want the satisfaction that someone is listening to me and can hold their own opinion. Now my mother has always said "it's not what you say, it's how you say it". With this being said, I have become very cognizant of HOW I speak my mind nowadays.

Many may look at my attitude as being defiant, but so be it. In my college years and now in graduate school and in the "working world" I have encountered some situations that ask me and sometimes require me to "suck up" or save my face. In other words there has been multiple times in which I have been advised not to speak my mind or not to be genuine but rather kiss butt to save my own... yeah this I DO NOT AGREE WITH!

Any professor, employer, friend or other who asks you to compromise what you believe in order to maintain "social order" is completely ridonkulous to me! Sure, somethings just are the way they are and probably will never change, but for those people to go out of their way to shut the mouths of those who so desperately just want to be heard is completely stupid to me. For example, I have had students to suggest us to have class in a specific way. Now I could just say no or shut them up because I want to be in control all the time, but instead I listen to them and actually take their suggestion into consideration. I want them to know that I value their opinion, their critical thinking and their willingness to problem solve. I feel as though this something that all professionals should consider.

Now the "don't burn your bridges" crap is annoying as well. Anyone who is someone will help those in need, whether they have done you wrong or not, however there are some people who do not have this mentality. What should one do?

1. Approach all situations with respect. People can never TRULY harbor ill feelings for those that are respectful. Even if it's a situation in which you need to get out of, leave quietly and as non-confrontational as possible.

2. Learn to let go of people and situations in which you cannot change. When people reach a certain portion of their life, they will stop learning and stop growing. There is NOTHING we can do for these people other than pray for them. My advisor told me "once people stop learning, they have become permanently ignorant." DO NOT stoop to these people's levels and harbor ill feelings toward them. They are who they are, but don't let it stop you from being you and growing into who you know you can become.

3. Your gifts will always make room for you so remain faithful and positive. Often times I suggest for people to stay in situation until you find the next best thing. If the situation is toxic to your well-being by all means LEAVE, but if you can stand it for a more days, weeks or even months stay until you have something else lined up. Faithfulness is another attribute that people can not look down on!

4. Don't allow the poison others have fed you to poison others. Remember how you felt when you were put into a negative situation. DO NOT make others feel that way! Empower those around you. Whether it's telling someone thank you or holding the door or even asking someone how they are doing, be kind! One thing I am sure of is, you reap what you sow! When you treat people right, crazy favor will find your address and shower you with the favor, grace and mercy you rightfully sowed.

5. Be AUTHENTIC to you! So do you realize that there is ONLY one you? You were made in the likeness of God and NO ONE ELSE! Don't be afraid to be you! Take risks for your passion! Find what makes you happy and relentlessly go after it. It is waiting for you to ascertain it! You have to find joy in the midst of heartache. You have to find zeal in the midst of the most abhoring situations! You have put your best foot forward and BELIEVE things will work out.

I am not just writing this for you guys, I am totally writing this to convince myself. Life is too short to live it under the shadow of someone's pretend shadow! We were already delivered from the hands of the Pharisees let's not go back!

So my question to you is Kiss BUTT or Kross Bridges?

Be ready. Be strong.

Kutting out the FAT!

I thought the most therapeutic thing for me to do about this KURRENT situation was for me to blog about it. Recently I have been doing a lot of soul searching. I have noticed that a lot of things that I have in my life I complain about because it's not what I feel as though I want or what I need, but as my mother so eloquently said earlier in my life "if you have a problem with everyone, the problem probably is not them it is YOU!" As of right now I am accepting the fact that I am the problem.

You have read me mention my insecurities growing up and even now.

I have never been officially okay with the way I look or the way I am... so below average! I have always been overweight. In addition to being overweight I was never the smartest person. I was never the most sought after girl. With the large amount of weight gain that I experienced in my young adolescent years, I was haunted by the words that some threw at me such as "you are a fat piece of trash" or "you are a fat b****" which took away a piece of my already incomplete heart. Not to mention how I was surrounded by beautiful women who were insightful, positive and intelligent and I felt so insignificant compared to them. Being one out of five children, my parents were completely fixated on just providing the basic essentials that emotional support was a very neglected perspective.

As time went on I entered into many relationships in search of validation from someone. I wanted to be liked by someone. I needed to hear someone say how incredible I was to them. Sure I was super popular in high school. Sure I won four senior superlatives. Sure I was Homecoming Queen. Sure I was on prom court. Deep down inside I was still a loser and still thought of myself as undesirable because at the end of every school day, where was I? Inside my house, watching tv, daydreaming of the day when I would get invited to a party. Okay so the day arrives when I am invited to a party and what do I say? NO! What the heck? This is what I wanted. Why didn't I want to go? Well by this time I had become a turtle. What was the point in going to parties if I knew I was going to be all by myself in the corner because no one wanted to dance with the fat girl.

It was almost like the universe was trying to convince me that I was someone but my mind had already built a distorted perception of who I was and who I was limited to being: a fat girl.

It took ONE guy to take advantage of my brokenness and that forever stained my perception of "how to please a man". After those encounters, it was unbelievable the amount of attention I craved from my boyfriends. Many of them seemed to love me for me. I was fun, intelligent, decent looking and I held the promise of good future to them, but to me I was still the fat girl. Well how do I repay someone for taking the time out of their schedule to like me? Uh, physicality of course. I thought that was my duty because to me, I was unlovable. I didn't deserve to be treated with respect, because I should have just been glad for anyone to like me at all.

Well I think I established a distorted conception about my own relationships. I could see other people's relationship and tell them what's wrong and how to fix it but I noticed I would be in these semi-long term relationships, but all of a sudden they would just end. Why? Because I would complain about little things because I wanted all the attention they had. I became an attention whore to the one person who gave me a little. I would convince them that they were never doing anything right and at some point they decided it was too much. So each time I would end a relationship I would go man hunting for someone and just latch on to the most ridiculous of ridiculous people thinking I could make a relationship work with them. Can you say gross and I realized I had developed the FAT GIRL MENTALITY.

Many of you who know me probably are thinking "Isn't Erica a church girl?" and the answer is YES and we (as church people) have the most emotional issues and until we get to a point where we can be honest with ourselves even God can't fix us. There is a mental block that doesn't get it .

Needless to say I am now in a relationship with a magnificent man. No one is perfect and no one is a mind reader. I don't want to disclose the details of my relationship, needless to say God Bless my man! lol! He has been patient in working with me and trying to make me happy. I don't know how he has been able to deal with me and all my lecturing about a whole bunch of nothing. I have went through so many "issues" with him only to realize it's not him, it was not my ex, it was not the guy I was talking to five years ago it is me.

The fat girl mentality is always looking for a quick fix to chronic problem. A fat girl mentality is looking to splurge on love and emotion but failing to find a healthy balance to live a healthy productive reality just like fat people who eat too much. My fat girl mentality robbed me of the years I had in college living as an insecure women not willing to take risks. My fat girl has nothing to do with weight. My fat girl mentality has nothing to do with intelligence. It has all to do with the neglect that I chose to give myself. I sit down and complain about situations in which I am not prepared to change. Just like eating is what fat people do in order to make themselves feel good about being fat, I complain about emotional duress to feel justified in being sad about life situations. I have to get to a place in my life where I love me unconditionally and because I want to feel loved. I must develop a comfort with myself to comprehend I may not be THE baddest chick but you better believe I'm in the top 15, lol. Maybe not to Hill Harper or shucks maybe not to the homeless man in Monroe Park but to ME I am everything that I want from me. I wanted to give a few tips on how to appreciate yourself.

1. Take yourself out on a date. At sometimes you have to look back on your life and think of the memories you made with yourself. Stop waiting for others to contribute to your passions and enthusiasm.

2. Stop comparing others to you. I have the biggest problem with this. I will look at people's bodies and say "dang, she got a banging body, I bet she has a fast metabolism." Who in their right mind would say this? ME!! This is poisonous to anyone's self-esteem. You must MEASURE the GROWTH and SUCCESS that you have seen within yourself. If you have goals that you know would make YOU better, write them down. Post them somewhere in which you would see them on a regular basis.

3. Allow yourself a small time frame to cry or do what you need to do release the feelings you are experiencing. Whether it's crying or journaling for a small period of time just to release those feelings of inferiority DO IT! If you don't it will become toxic for you and the people that are closest to you. Try not to go over the alloted time because then it becomes a pity party and you will fall back into the cycle.

4. Don't make excuses to be alone. You are worthy of the right people to be around you. You are worthy to be accepted for who you are. You are worthy to be socially accepted and there is someone, somewhere who is waiting to HELP you smile. Something that I remembered today is that I expect people to MAKE me smile, but smiling is ultimately my choice, maybe you just need help making that choice.

5. Don't settle. Get yourself together before making any commitments for a long period of time. I was covered by the grace and mercy of God that allowed some of my poor choices to be beneficial for me in the long run but just know that you can always do better. I absolutely love the decisions that I have made thus far, but many things I did because I felt as though I couldn't do any better. My expectations mirrored my self-esteem. Just because you may not feel good about yourself please know that you can always DO better for yourself.

This post is some of the most realistic perspectives of my life and how I have gotten from point A to point D. I am 23 years old and I hope that as I writing this, these suggestions become ingrained in my mind and spirit so that I may pursue those things in which I can only dream about. Now after it's all said and done, I don't want to be skinny and I don't want to have a skinny girl mentality? Heck no! Its about being healthy! It's about facing adversity and seeing the possibility to conquer those adversities without making EXCUSES on how to stay stuck! Be you! Be unique, but continue to grow!

I would also like to take this opportunity to thank those have stuck with me through all of my transgressions. Thank you for seeing who I could become! Thank you for seeing me in the good and the bad. Thank you for reminding me that I am what God says I am. I hope I am not to late with repairing some of the "arteries" or important people in my life that I have killed due to my excessive FAT! Hopefully tomorrow I will be more of who I want to become and you will too.

Be ready. Be strong.

Kommittment=Investment

Today I was given a heads up about one of my dearest friend that she is now in a relationship! This is her first relationship that she has ever had in her life. She is 19 years old and thankfully she is a virgin! Anywho, she and this guy have been talking for about three weeks. She nervously looked at me this morning and asked "do you think we are moving too fast? The connection is there and he suggested that we take it to the next step" I looked away briefly and came right back to her and said, "absolutely not, this is wonderful!" With a sign of relief I begin to think about some of my own life's issues.

During my college years I was not one of the most "attractive" girls but I had a pretty clear head on my shoulders. I got involved in a wonderful relationship my Sophomore year. He and I were such good friends that being in a relationship with him was almost surreal at times. Because I still had some emotional issues that I had to deal with, I was not ready to accept this kind of relationship in which stirred some controversy with a few people and our relationship was severed. After this relationship I decided to "go back out into the sea". This is such a lame phrase for me to use but it's for lack of better words. I noticed this really cute guy with dimples. We hung out a few times. Things were okay, but long story short, there was never any real sense of commitment. During this time I surveyed many of my sorority sisters and friends and it was the same thing. They were "talking" to guys at school but none of us were in a committed relationship. Now I must say that the university in which I intended was a relatively small, rural Historically Black University. Yes there were way more women than there were men. However, the question that I ran away from was "Why are these black men afraid of commitment?" the question I then replaced it with was "What's wrong with me? Why am I not worthy of commitment?"

Shortly after graduating I moved back to Richmond, where I came to VCU for graduate school. I notices so many relationships between young people. Well because I had become accustomed to sexually based relationships without commitment in undergrad I thought this was the same case here. As I begin to poll many of the young people that I would encounter here, I realized "wow" there are so many 18 and 19 year old virgins, or "wow, these people have been together for three years, during college? wow, that must have been boring" and many of them responded positively and said that it has been an incredible experience because many of them share the mutual friends and hobbies. Well this is weird! So what happens if you break up? And the mind blowing response was "we'll just deal with it!"

This led me to several conclusions I have noticed. This has nothing to do with quantitative or qualitative research, just my experience:

1. The Black community has never been appreciated and accepted by society, therefore, we are always in need of making ourselves seem bigger and better. How do we do that? Look for the cheapest and easiest thing to do. Look the part but not fix ourselves from the inside out.

2. Black men are always making excuses as to why they can't commit. Do you know that we all have been through worse things? Men you are a commodity. The world is waiting for you to take your place.

3. Black women are some of the most loyal women you could ever hope for. I can almost guarantee that Jada and Paula (Denzel's wife) have seen some out of control situations but the public has never been privy to it because they hold things down.

4. Black women must start promoting themselves in a way in which they demand respect. Going out acting like a monkey all day everyday is not needed. I am not saying do not be yourself but take the time to be a lady every now and again. It won't kill you!

5. Seek the Kingdom of God. Many of us assume that we have to already be perfect when we seek the consultation of Christ, but he will meet us where we are! He will find the way to get what he needs to say to us! He already knows everything so just talk to him so he can make you into what you both see fit!

6. Black people! Start INVESTING! Whether it be in relationships, property, education, hobbies or talents. Take time to perfect that which concerns you. You can not live the rest of your life in its entirety renting, or borrowing or envying! At some point you have to be committed to the investments you make! They will profit you much! Plant the seed! Watch it grow!!

That's all folk!