This Fall, for the first time in SIX years, I will not return to a place of higher education. While I am enthused that I will not have to wait for the e-mail that indicates how much tuition will be in the fall, I will not return to the joys of heated class discussion. I will not return to meeting new strangers who could possibly become my best of friends. That's boring and wack, but yet kinda exciting!!
I am moving in the "work" field and attempting to do my own thing. I am going into a world where people aren't as nice as they seemed to be. I am going into a world where my best interest are not the concerns of many. I am going into a world where bitterness and greed has consumed the very presence of the human soul. I am going into a world where people are idolized for their ability to be "powerful". I am going into a world where pretentiousness is welcomed and celebrated. I am going into the world that I have been created in. As much as I don't want to be this way, I am a product of those people, places and things and I am scared to become "one of them". I'm scared to lose my zeal. I am scared to lose my interest in the field. I am scared to lose my youthfulness by aging. I am scared to intimidate and to be intimidated. I am scared to be me in a world full of "them".
I compare my life to the conception of a child.
THE CREATION There are many couples who have to try and try to become pregnant. When they do become pregnant they are excited!
The BARRIERS: That excitement is followed up by morning sickness, indigestion, mood swings, and sometimes ugliness! (sorry pregs peeps).
The LET DOWN: For some women they can get all the way up to 3-4 months and have a miscarriage. The dissapointment in not carrying out a promise that became public is horrendous.
RETRY:The parents try again, however they are apprehensive around 3-4 months. Once in the clear it seems as though the excitement and confidence builds again. Month 8 arrives and the reality of being parents are finally here. Anxiety now is present, bills are due and people are annoying you! This is not what planned parenthood is, right? However...once the woman is in labor nothing else matters.
THE BIRTH: The worse pain in the entire universe is when the woman's body is shaping its cervix to push the child out of the body. The pinnacle of the pain is when the baby becomes visible to everyone else, also known as crowning.
I know that many of my posts can be parralled to random tangents BUT if there is one that you haven't read please read this:
MY CREATION: my creation was not a mistake nor was yours. I have been manifesting in my wisdom and love for the past 24 years.
MY BARRIERS: I have broken through so many barriers that I didn't think I could break through. I'm a black woman, who is zealous and ambitious and could be seen as aggressive. I am outspoken and I love hard which leads to defending those who will not mind creating me to be the scapegoat.
MY LET DOWNS: The pain in being dissapointed by family and friends, defeat in not feeling as accomplished of others and exhaustion of working countless and endless hours has been challenging
MY RETRY: Questions I asked myself: Hardwork pays off not crying, right? Alone time is good reflection time right? If GOD is for me, who can be againist me, right? It'll all be ok.
MY BIRTH: I am beginning to recognize no one understands and needs me more than myself, and I am now ready to deliver myself to the world... I'm crowning and everyone is FINALLY able to see me.
While this time initiates a great deal of angst, I am comforted by the peaceful and joyous moments in my past and now realize that the time of hiding behind the "veil" is over for me. I have been wanting to commit to a profession that allows me to be a trend setter, that encourages me to fight the battles that many are not strong enough to fight and that ultimately create a new frontier for myself however I am realizing that there will still be moments when I have to follow a trend to understand how the trend works. There are and will be moments where I will not be strong enough to fight my own battles. There are moments when the frontier is blocked but this is what I wanted. I am determined to continue to find those that have common goals and visions like me and help "them" become "us". I determined to continue to be me even when I don't want to be. This is what I want to do. So...I'll do it.
Help me stay brave because I WANT to be ready.
Peace.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Monday, July 2, 2012
Keeping...
So today I ran into a nostalgia about the friends I had when I was in college. Let me take you on a quick journey of "school" for me:
I went to a high school that was very "tv typical". In many instances I did not fit in any clique: with the white people, I wasn't rich enough, I wasn't smart enough and I didn't hang with the black people because I wasn't cool enough. I wasn't one of the artsy kids and I wasn't a student athelete, I was just Erica. Instead of searching for that one group of people to spend all my time with, I decided to split my time up with everyone so I would never have to develope a REAL friendship. I had a rotating schedule at lunch, I would laugh with the most random soul walking and I would dap up all the dudes posted up. By me developing this mentality, I ended being one of the most popular kids in the school. I won Homecoming Queen and I was on the Prom Court. At the end of the day, I didn't have many friends, I just had a lot of associates.
Sure I knew a lot of people, but how many of those people knew how sad I was at times? None. How many of those people knew that I had an eating disorder? None. How many of those people knew the abuse I was enduring? None.
I decided to go to a Historically Black University because I wanted to be more "intuned" with my own culture. Let me tell you, the first couple of weeks, I saw it as high school all over again. There were cliques galore: the party people, the Greek people, the Honor's College Kids, the Band kids, the "Churchy Kids" (who were also in the Gospel choir) and the University Choir Kids. Because of my major and my participation in the University Choir, I fell into the category of being a UC kid. We would randomly harmonize to a song on the radio or in the breezeway or in the cafe or would randomly laugh at people who thought they could sing. There was a group of us that came in together. We seemed like we were all meant to be in the same space at the same time. We become more than just a choir, we became FRIENDS. We started having late-night runs to Walmart and Cookout which included long chats outside our buildings. We started learning about the daunting pasts that we all seemed to be running away from. We started to recognize that NOTHING happens by accident but EVERYTHING happens for a reason. I knew that at 12:oopm everyday, I would meet with a group of people who wanted to understand me for at least 50 minutes but many instances it would go beyond that 50 minutes. In this time I met some of the most influential people who became mentors, friends, sisters and brothers. Once I recognized that they accepted me flaws and all, I became confident in who I was and I begin to merge into other groups and meeting other people outside of my circle. I started becoming passionate about things that I knew was in my realm of control. I started to become me. Now, sure these four years were filled with moments of frustration, anger, hurt and mistrust, but those moments are so faint because the buckets of laughters and "ah-ha" moments were PLENTIFUL!
And I am coming to understand that: I miss my friends that cared about what I had to say. I miss my friends that would care enough about me to tell me what they had to say. I miss my friends that would understand the purpose of my laughter and tears. I miss my friends who were strong enough to defend me at all cost. I miss my friends that would not complain about the struggle but work hard enough to take away someone else's struggle. I miss the authenticity. I miss the late night talks. I miss the friendship. Now that I am a few hundred miles away, I still haven't found that feeling. That comfort. That joy. That peace. I want it back.
I want to Be brave. Be ready
I went to a high school that was very "tv typical". In many instances I did not fit in any clique: with the white people, I wasn't rich enough, I wasn't smart enough and I didn't hang with the black people because I wasn't cool enough. I wasn't one of the artsy kids and I wasn't a student athelete, I was just Erica. Instead of searching for that one group of people to spend all my time with, I decided to split my time up with everyone so I would never have to develope a REAL friendship. I had a rotating schedule at lunch, I would laugh with the most random soul walking and I would dap up all the dudes posted up. By me developing this mentality, I ended being one of the most popular kids in the school. I won Homecoming Queen and I was on the Prom Court. At the end of the day, I didn't have many friends, I just had a lot of associates.
Sure I knew a lot of people, but how many of those people knew how sad I was at times? None. How many of those people knew that I had an eating disorder? None. How many of those people knew the abuse I was enduring? None.
I decided to go to a Historically Black University because I wanted to be more "intuned" with my own culture. Let me tell you, the first couple of weeks, I saw it as high school all over again. There were cliques galore: the party people, the Greek people, the Honor's College Kids, the Band kids, the "Churchy Kids" (who were also in the Gospel choir) and the University Choir Kids. Because of my major and my participation in the University Choir, I fell into the category of being a UC kid. We would randomly harmonize to a song on the radio or in the breezeway or in the cafe or would randomly laugh at people who thought they could sing. There was a group of us that came in together. We seemed like we were all meant to be in the same space at the same time. We become more than just a choir, we became FRIENDS. We started having late-night runs to Walmart and Cookout which included long chats outside our buildings. We started learning about the daunting pasts that we all seemed to be running away from. We started to recognize that NOTHING happens by accident but EVERYTHING happens for a reason. I knew that at 12:oopm everyday, I would meet with a group of people who wanted to understand me for at least 50 minutes but many instances it would go beyond that 50 minutes. In this time I met some of the most influential people who became mentors, friends, sisters and brothers. Once I recognized that they accepted me flaws and all, I became confident in who I was and I begin to merge into other groups and meeting other people outside of my circle. I started becoming passionate about things that I knew was in my realm of control. I started to become me. Now, sure these four years were filled with moments of frustration, anger, hurt and mistrust, but those moments are so faint because the buckets of laughters and "ah-ha" moments were PLENTIFUL!
And I am coming to understand that: I miss my friends that cared about what I had to say. I miss my friends that would care enough about me to tell me what they had to say. I miss my friends that would understand the purpose of my laughter and tears. I miss my friends who were strong enough to defend me at all cost. I miss my friends that would not complain about the struggle but work hard enough to take away someone else's struggle. I miss the authenticity. I miss the late night talks. I miss the friendship. Now that I am a few hundred miles away, I still haven't found that feeling. That comfort. That joy. That peace. I want it back.
I want to Be brave. Be ready
Friday, June 22, 2012
Kruel and Usual Punishment
So today I watched a video about a man who cheated on his wife. In the end she contracted HIV/AIDS and eventually died. I just want to talk about this topic for a moment because I think this is an epidemic that has invaded our country at an all time high. Now this is not one of those "men are the bomb.com and all women worship men" nor is this an "I hate men" bash, it is just me giving out the observations I have had for the past several years (and by several I mean 24 years). DISCLAIMER: I recognize and accept that women cheat. I recognize that not all men cheat, HOWEVER research shows that men are 12 times more likely to cheat than women, and I am a woman and this is my blog and I have the right to my opinions.
I think that men have somehow misconstrued perception of what it means to be committed and to love one person. While this topic is just something that seems to be so common, it is almost as though people gave begun accepting this as a way of life and that's just the "typical" journey of a young woman which I believe to be 100% ridiculous.
Here is my idea as to why men cheat:
1. Some men are incapable of effective communication. Communication is the pillar of all things efficient. Whether communication was not stressed in the home during early development, communication ultimately effects everyone a great deal! I believe that some men grow bored in their relationships and therefore want to try different options, which is completely acceptable, however they do not want to hurt their partner so instead of communicating their discomfort, they decided to try different people while still committed to someone else.
2. Some men enjoy the power of having multiple relationships. In many instances power has been taken from them in a way of domestic or relational abuse. Having multiple partners create the illusion that they are capability. While that seems simple it is a very complex idea.
3. Some men have an awesome ability and awesome personality to create friendships that begin to bleed into what can be deemed as a relationship. Well, what does it take to clearly define a relationship, COMMUNICATION, which trickles back to point #1.
4. Some men have observed broken relationships and become nervous about commitment. They see it as a trap and they get in a predicament where they want to have "one foot in and one foot out" or in other words "straddle the fence". They are always looking for greener grass and are always in pursuit of something better.
Let me say this: while I understand that many of those reasons can hold some moments of validity I also recognize that their behavior does not excuse the abuse and maltreatment of others because of their inadequacies. Many women have carried the brunt of men's frustration, anger, and insecurities for far too long and I am completely over it. Not only do women deal with these issues, on top of that there are men who have the audacity to disrespect the love, honor, respect, long suffering, patience and authenticity that their women give on a regular basis.
While some men argue to say that women do just as much as men, I feel as though that is the biggest cop-out one could ever do. Do you not realize from the creation of Man, God created you to be the leader of your household. Now, for those of you who are Bible believers and call yourselves Christians, I want us to jig over to the Word of God to analyze my opinion in another perspective. Adam and Eve. Even though Eve encouraged Adam to eat the apple, damnation did not reside over human beings until Adam ate the apple because God gave the power to the man. God created man to be a trend setter and when Adam decided to sin against God, Adam set the trend for generations to come to sin against God. So do not try to tell me that women are just AS responsible as men until women can get the same kind treatment as men. Furthermore, do not try to tell men what women do until women can get the same kind of jobs that men can. DO NOT try to tell me women are just AS responsible until men are granted custody in over 74% of child cases. DO NOT try to tell me women are just AS responsible, because they, we, are NOT just AS responsible. It is clear that the hierarchy of man's presence is far dominant over women. So, one may want to think twice when considering the perspective that women do JUST AS much as men, when it is clear that men are quite powerful.
I accept that women are a broken, torn, bruised and burned culture of human beings. We are desecrated in foreign lands, we are ignored in our country but its even more painful to be mentally, physically and emotionally raped in our homes, minds, and relationships. We are treated as though we are recyclable and I refuse to continue to take it. Why is it that the more I teach and counsel, the more I recognize that girls are looking for validation from all boys and I find myself telling those students, "it's just a part of our history as women..." Why is that?
I'll tell you: Real Housewives of Atlanta, Basketball Wives, Love and Hip Hop, Love and Hip Hop Atlanta...oh, and a little thing we call parental negligence. I am not blaming Mona Scott Young, Shaunie O'Neal or the Producers at Bravo however, women, we have got to stop portraying ourselves as sex symbols, bitches, prudes, unhappy, doormats, and above all BREEDERS. We have got to start advocating for ourselves to be strong, independent, self-sufficient and most of all purposeful. This is in no way, shape, or form a call for women to start running out trying to be the Commissioner of the NBA (which I wouldn't mind a new one) nor am I saying find your purpose by being a surrogate mother to the USofA all I am saying is find your voice and find your purpose and stop being defined by the shenanigans of men, who do not value you!
None of us wants to purchase damaged goods from anywhere, not from Whole Foods all the way to Yves Saint Laurent, so why do we accept it in our relationships? And the worse part of this whole epidemic is that in the midst of our stuff we then create new lives, when we are fully aware that we are not capable of effectively running our own lives. Something has to give. While I want to blame everything on the man, at some point we have to be willing to accept that we are in control. You are in control. Stop being the victim! You are strong! You are created for a purpose! Someone else needs you!
Oh and for the cheaters who happen to read this: polygamy is accepted in some parts of world. Find those places and live that life. YOLO.
Be strong.
Erica.
I think that men have somehow misconstrued perception of what it means to be committed and to love one person. While this topic is just something that seems to be so common, it is almost as though people gave begun accepting this as a way of life and that's just the "typical" journey of a young woman which I believe to be 100% ridiculous.
Here is my idea as to why men cheat:
1. Some men are incapable of effective communication. Communication is the pillar of all things efficient. Whether communication was not stressed in the home during early development, communication ultimately effects everyone a great deal! I believe that some men grow bored in their relationships and therefore want to try different options, which is completely acceptable, however they do not want to hurt their partner so instead of communicating their discomfort, they decided to try different people while still committed to someone else.
2. Some men enjoy the power of having multiple relationships. In many instances power has been taken from them in a way of domestic or relational abuse. Having multiple partners create the illusion that they are capability. While that seems simple it is a very complex idea.
3. Some men have an awesome ability and awesome personality to create friendships that begin to bleed into what can be deemed as a relationship. Well, what does it take to clearly define a relationship, COMMUNICATION, which trickles back to point #1.
4. Some men have observed broken relationships and become nervous about commitment. They see it as a trap and they get in a predicament where they want to have "one foot in and one foot out" or in other words "straddle the fence". They are always looking for greener grass and are always in pursuit of something better.
Let me say this: while I understand that many of those reasons can hold some moments of validity I also recognize that their behavior does not excuse the abuse and maltreatment of others because of their inadequacies. Many women have carried the brunt of men's frustration, anger, and insecurities for far too long and I am completely over it. Not only do women deal with these issues, on top of that there are men who have the audacity to disrespect the love, honor, respect, long suffering, patience and authenticity that their women give on a regular basis.
While some men argue to say that women do just as much as men, I feel as though that is the biggest cop-out one could ever do. Do you not realize from the creation of Man, God created you to be the leader of your household. Now, for those of you who are Bible believers and call yourselves Christians, I want us to jig over to the Word of God to analyze my opinion in another perspective. Adam and Eve. Even though Eve encouraged Adam to eat the apple, damnation did not reside over human beings until Adam ate the apple because God gave the power to the man. God created man to be a trend setter and when Adam decided to sin against God, Adam set the trend for generations to come to sin against God. So do not try to tell me that women are just AS responsible as men until women can get the same kind treatment as men. Furthermore, do not try to tell men what women do until women can get the same kind of jobs that men can. DO NOT try to tell me women are just AS responsible until men are granted custody in over 74% of child cases. DO NOT try to tell me women are just AS responsible, because they, we, are NOT just AS responsible. It is clear that the hierarchy of man's presence is far dominant over women. So, one may want to think twice when considering the perspective that women do JUST AS much as men, when it is clear that men are quite powerful.
I accept that women are a broken, torn, bruised and burned culture of human beings. We are desecrated in foreign lands, we are ignored in our country but its even more painful to be mentally, physically and emotionally raped in our homes, minds, and relationships. We are treated as though we are recyclable and I refuse to continue to take it. Why is it that the more I teach and counsel, the more I recognize that girls are looking for validation from all boys and I find myself telling those students, "it's just a part of our history as women..." Why is that?
I'll tell you: Real Housewives of Atlanta, Basketball Wives, Love and Hip Hop, Love and Hip Hop Atlanta...oh, and a little thing we call parental negligence. I am not blaming Mona Scott Young, Shaunie O'Neal or the Producers at Bravo however, women, we have got to stop portraying ourselves as sex symbols, bitches, prudes, unhappy, doormats, and above all BREEDERS. We have got to start advocating for ourselves to be strong, independent, self-sufficient and most of all purposeful. This is in no way, shape, or form a call for women to start running out trying to be the Commissioner of the NBA (which I wouldn't mind a new one) nor am I saying find your purpose by being a surrogate mother to the USofA all I am saying is find your voice and find your purpose and stop being defined by the shenanigans of men, who do not value you!
None of us wants to purchase damaged goods from anywhere, not from Whole Foods all the way to Yves Saint Laurent, so why do we accept it in our relationships? And the worse part of this whole epidemic is that in the midst of our stuff we then create new lives, when we are fully aware that we are not capable of effectively running our own lives. Something has to give. While I want to blame everything on the man, at some point we have to be willing to accept that we are in control. You are in control. Stop being the victim! You are strong! You are created for a purpose! Someone else needs you!
Oh and for the cheaters who happen to read this: polygamy is accepted in some parts of world. Find those places and live that life. YOLO.
Be strong.
Erica.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Krying Katastrophe
So, it is currently 4am and I KANNOT sleep. I have just had this epiphany...of course because it's 4am in the morning!
So lately I have found myself in these crying spells (really annoying) because I've become overwhelmed with life. As many of you know some of the things that have happened to me concerning my job last year has still had residual effects on my finances however I am making it still in Virginia and things have actually worked out pretty well. I am now a music teacher and I ABSOLUTELY love it. My students are the essence of my joy and happiness! I love their boy drama, I love their friend drama! But most of all I love how they are so willing and ready to love I love it all!
What brings me here? Okay...
About three months I met this very attractive young man (he's over 6 feet tall and he has dimples #winning!) The first two months it was honestly like a dream. Everything about the relationship seemed to be a recipe for love+marriage=baby in a Louis Vuitton carriage! Being the wonderful man he is, hecame to visit me in my hometown. Things were great and then all of a sudden I had one of my worst crying spell and meltdown and our relationship has suffered as a consequence of my emotional inconsistency. I recognized this is not just a NEW occurrence, this is something that has been happening to me for a VERY long time.
I have shared my feelings of abandonment that I experienced as a young child. There were moments in my life when I would wish that life would be better without me. I felt ignored. I felt looked over. I was abused and I felt NO ONE took up for me. NO ONE tried to defend me. NO ONE believed me. SO with every relationship I gravitated to men and attempted to make theme them my own personal mind readers and soul healers. Unfortunately I haven't had the pleasure of dating God or Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost, so all of these attempts to try to make me whole FAILED! HORRIBLY!!
This is such a sad story right?? ABSOLUTELY! Because of me not having any self esteem I was just a lonely, poor fat girl. The girl who felt she was never accepted by the popular people because she never fit in. The girl who felt she was never accepted by the smart kids because she didn't score high enough. The girl who felt she had to pretend to have all of these "activities" to do but would do NOTHING but go in her room and dream that she could escape the current to live in the abyss with a celebrity who didn't even knew she occupied space on Earth...
Okay! 23 years later, I'm now saying SO WHAT!! Everyone has a story. Everyone has a struggle. Everyone has the CHOICE to overcome and move past their challenges and move into triumphs. Tonight I was told (and I realized) it is so much easier to cry about things that are happening, but it takes so much strength to turn those negatives into positives!
I am still the fat girl, but I choose to embrace my curves and with each curve there was a YUMMY meal and dessert that made me HAPPY!
I am still the girl who is never accepted by the popular people. INSTEAD I have a gang of HILARIOUS, AWKWARD and INTELLIGENT people that support and encourage me to just BE ME!
I am still the girl who didn't score high enough, but THIS girl who didn't score high enough is in graduate school, riding on a 3.7 grade point average getting a Masters of Education Degree in May 2012.
I am still the girl who pretends to do tons of activities and in between me pretending I'm working with children who have autism at the local children's hospital, I am an assistant choral director, I am a studious graduate student, I am caring big sister, I am an obsessed aunt, I am a concerned daughter and I am MAKING A DIFFERENCE!
I am making a vow to do less crying and more action. Crying is okay sometimes, but when you over-water a plant, it still dies. I am not SUGGESTING anyone to hold their tears, however I am saying that its about knowing what's helpful and useful. I have become an emotional MESS in my attempts to sort out these issues that I have experienced over 16 years ago. At some point I have to move on. Something that I advocate to my clients is that it is IMPOSSIBLE to actually be a conduit of change if you're not READY for that change. I HATE New Year's Resolutions but I think it is vital for me to make a vow to God, you and myself that I start to accept responsibility for the choices I make and deal with the consequences according, which means for me, stop crying, stop complaining, stop being annoying and start believing that this is YOUR TIME!
Be brave. Be ready.
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