Knumb.. (the K is silent!)

Still can't find an apartment and that is wack!

So, I got on facebook and I saw that my ex boyfriend that I've been involved with for about three years is "in a relationship." We broke up about three weeks ago. Obviously initiately it was a bit devastating for me. The craziest of thoughts started running through my mind such as: "Yeah, you weren't good enough," or "You were being played the whole time?" or "Wow. You meant nothing to him!". After ONE tear shed, I sat up and thought, "all of those things maybe true but this isn't the first time he has done something like this. This is not the first time you knew he wasn't completely emotionally invested in you. This is YOUR fault!" After I got up I started thinking how many times has he done this? Left, went to other people, came back and expected everything to still be the same? MANY TIMES. Then I further investigated my feelings and begin to think about how all this turmoil came about this summer. First my job, then my relationship, then I get kicked while I'm down and he is in another relationship? What the heck happened to me? At one point I was at the top of the world and now I feel like I am eating dirt for dinner EVERY NIGHT.

Well, I've been dealing with these issues day by day for some reason I keep thinking, why haven't I just broke down about it all? Normally I would be an emotional mess, but for some reason I have been so emotion-LESS lately. Could it be that I am really at peace with everything? Could it be that I am in denial? Could it be that I am too busy to even care right now? The answer could be yes to all questions. But I now realize that I am becoming NUMB to everything. I have been through so many emotional roller coasters over the past few years, that I now feel like, well... what's next. I don't know what is happening to me but I don't like being this way. I find that in the past few months I have lost friendships, relationships, financial stability and even a sense of dependability in people. However, I do notice I am gaining a sense of resiliency and a sense of self-responsibility but with these random spurts of apathy I notice I stop caring how others feel and how I make others feel. Don't get me wrong, I still have a lot of empathy and sympathy for those who seek my counsel but for a majority of my own personal issues, my attitude is "just get over it!" Some may read this and think that's a good motto, but I have never wanted to be that kind of person. I am learning that feeling is a vital part of life and those who don't feel are repressing feelings or are refusing to feel with hopes of not being hurt and I think that's where I am, but in turn I could be hurting others and just ignoring the small messages that life is trying to show me.

This post doesn't have any steps to get over this I am still there, but hopefully in time things will

balance themselves out. It is becoming a bit annoying though because it's seems as though every week I notice something new about myself that I need to change. Ugh! Becoming self-actualized is so tiresome at times, but I guess it will make me a better person?

Be brave. Be ready.

Kourageously Loving!

Today I was enjoying some quality time with my mom and I begin to ask her questions about my childhood. Unsurprisingly she shared with me that even as a young child, I was in tuned with my emotions and a roundabout way of being myself. Throughout life I have experienced some pretty traumatic events for me. From sicknesses, to heartache, I've pretty went through the ringer! I am now understanding myself more and more each day. With every new opportunity, one thing I pride myself in is the amount of love I continuously give people.

While it may have been difficult to get through a breakup or through the emancipation of a friendship, I somehow find myself apologizing first and being willing to makeup because I like to love. I always thought being in love was some magical moment and then when I was in it I would just have this ultimate epiphany. I would have all of these great memories of me and my significant other, but I now know that I've been in love for a very long time and I am in love with loving.

One thing that allows me to seek the face of God, being as faulty as I can be, is the fact that I refuse to hold anymore grudges and not forgive. I may come short on a lot of things but I take love by the horns and embrace it. With the amount of times I've been hurt you would think that I would give up on hoping that I could one day God will send the man I'm meant to have, but I know that it is possible for me fall in love. Sure, I am much more careful as to who I give my love to, but I refuse to believe that it's over for me.

From this point on, I am willing to love beyond myself. I am willing to love beyond pain and pleasure. I am willing to love beyond financial circumstances. I am willing to love those who do not want it. I am willing to love those who thought they were unlovable. I am willing to love that which I can change. And I am willing to love what I cannot change.

Be strong. Be ready.