Well, I haven't been blogging lately and for that I apologize, however, a very specific topic came to mind today and that is: forgiveness. I decided to write about my experience on forgiving hoping that it can save just one person today.
Those of you who know me, know that I have had quite a tremendous number of relationships. Growing up I have never had a "good" relationship with my father or my brother. I am the third out of five children, therefore, many emotional needs were neglected due to the need of nourishing the other children. Nonetheless, I got into many relationships because I had to fill that void of male emptiness. One my first (and longest) relationships was with this guy was quite experience. He was smart, kind of not cute, but he was really sweet. He had been through so much in his life, and of course the African-American woman in me felt the need to nurture him and unbeknown to me I was mistaking that care for being in love. At the age of 16 he asked me to marry him and I agreed. He was on his way to the military and I thought this was a wonderful idea, however tragedy broke again! Long story short, not only did he participate in homosexual activities, but engaged in these activities with those whom I was very close with. At this time in my life this was one of the hardest things for me to cope with (along with other familial problems) as well as forget about. I thought there was something wrong with me because I attracted this weirdo.
So, just a quick recap at the RIPE age of 17 I had: been verbally abused by my brother, pretty much ignored by father, betrayed by my "fiance"... Um, so to say the least, I was a bit disgruntled.
So forgiveness was something I was not trying to hear. I was trying to forget everything I was taught in church. I wasn't trying to comprehend that this was a "milestone". I was not trying to hear that God cared about me. Then it was like an epiphany, I realized each time I saw this "clown" or any other male I decided to let into my life, they had so much power over me. I would start liking guys that were not even mentally where I was. I started becoming bitter and mean and rude. I started hiding my intellectual stimulation and SETTLING for physical stimulation. I started looking for any nook and cranny I could find to make me think I had control and had power over something. The one thing I remembered to find solace in was Music and Performing. This was the one arc that I could labor under and seemed unaffected by what was happening in my world around me. As soon as I found this peace, I then unveiled the most powerful attributes known to men: FORGIVENESS!
With this very aspect, I saw that I gradually took back my power. I re-established who I was and the importance of my life. I realized that I hadn't been perfect and neither had anyone else. I forgave myself. I forgave them, and then healing had begun. I often times try to lead a life that can be described as pleasing to the Lord. Again, I am not perfect! However, I have come to the conclusion that I can live a life with hints of perfection. As I reference back to the Bible and even to life experiences I grow disappointed in myself. How dare I even have the audacity to hold these grudges against others when God never held a grudge against me. He gave the one son He had to die for me so I could live forever and I thought I was too cute to forgive! PSH! Give me a break!
In conclusion, whether you have been molested, raped, verbally or physically abused, cheated on, accused of something, FORGIVE! I'm not suggesting forgetting (because forgetting tends to allow history to repeat itself) but you must forgive and let it go. You give your enemy so much power when you hold on to things while they are sleeping peacefully! Let it go!
Hope this has helped!
No comments:
Post a Comment