In high school there was one thing I did well, SING! Cool, well I thought I was too fat to ever be a REAL performer, so I thought the next best thing was being a music teacher.
I went to undergrad to become a music teacher. Never really perfected the skills I needed in order to be truly successful such as sight reading and piano playing. I went on to student teach. I taught elementary and middle school. Well, even though my cooperating teachers were WONDERFUL musicians, I struggled a bit, especially in the arena of piano playing. What did I do? I decided, "you know what? This music thing is really not for me. I really like talking to the kids about their problems, I am going to go to graduate school and become a counselor. I don't need to play the piano to do that!" and that's what I did.
Well, I came to graduate school to be a school counselor and I got a big fat C in a simple class that everyone else was getting A's in. I was getting horrible grades on papers and I had no IDEA of what APA format was. My verbiage and grammar in professional papers was so HORRID that the professors were like "do you even know what you're talking about?" I started thinking, "you know, this counseling thing may not be for me either."
Fortunately while in graduate school I acquiesced a job in higher ed. Great job and semi-great pay. Because I kind of understand how to build relationships with people, or so I think I do, I got super close to some of my student-employees. So close that the lines between professional life and personal life were a bit blurred. We all laughed all the time and had a blast. Sure there were some issues here and there, but I thought I was doing a wonderful job especially with being a supervisor for the first time! WRONG AGAIN! In this process I made some of the most HORRIBLE judgement calls. Ways I should have handled some situations I didn't handle well at all. And now what am I thinking, "well, this job doesn't really seem to fit me, perhaps I should find something else."
**SN-NO I DID NOT SLEEP/HAVE A ROMANTIC/INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP with any of workers**
I said all of this to say I have been living a life of a POWERLESS person. I have given up on myself time after time again for mistakes that I have made. Instead of picking up where I left off and giving myself another chance, I told myself I was just too stupid or I would never do well at this. I told myself I wasn't ready for this. I allowed myself to become a cop out. So there are five things that I'm going to say to myself and if you want to apply them to your life, by all means please do.
1. Be willing to work hard for that in which you want! Instead of working hard to get to where I needed to be or get the results I looked for, I would give up and lay around and cry about a situation that I knew I could change. I now have learned that no matter what I do in life, I have to give it my all. I have to learn to have as much passion about myself as I do about others! I have to be strong and be okay with me falling sometimes. I may not be the best at everything I try, but TRYING my best is what's really important!
2. Stop being the victim & MOVE ON! Everyone has a past. Everyone has been through something. I did not have the WORSE life ever and at some point I have got to stop blaming my past for the way I am now! I have to stop relishing on situations in which I feel like I was mistreated. I know that there will always been someone who will not support me or the things that I want to do, but for that one person there will always be several others who I know will be there for me 100%.
3. It's in MY HANDS! Whether I fail or succeed at any task I am given, it's in my hands. I have the choice to decide to pursue it wholeheartedly or to half a** my way through it. That is a decision I have to be willing to make. If I rush through a paper and don't read through it, or have someone else read through it and I get bad grade that's MY FAULT! I have to be accountable for my actions. If I want to do better, I have to be comfortable with asking for help!
4. COMPARING will get you NOWHERE! I have got to stop looking to see what others are doing and how successful they are. They have had their own battles to get to where they are. I was not made like everyone else and I was not cut from the same cloth. Therefore, I have my own way of doing things and the outcome can be just as successful.
5. LOVE ME! While I may talk a good game about being kind to yourself and loving yourself, I have got to take the same advice and love myself unconditionally. Even when it looks like I am driving a different car into a brick wall, I have got to love myself. I have to celebrate the me that's here and now, because even 2,011 years from NOW, there will never be another me. I have to be confident in who I am.
With all this being said, I have met some incredible people throughout my lifetime to help me learn these lessons. I am so appreciative for the words many have spoken to me to continuously encourage me that I am the only me.
Be strong. Be ready.
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