So lately I have found myself in these crying spells (really annoying) because I've become overwhelmed with life. As many of you know some of the things that have happened to me concerning my job last year has still had residual effects on my finances however I am making it still in Virginia and things have actually worked out pretty well. I am now a music teacher and I ABSOLUTELY love it. My students are the essence of my joy and happiness! I love their boy drama, I love their friend drama! But most of all I love how they are so willing and ready to love I love it all!
What brings me here? Okay...
About three months I met this very attractive young man (he's over 6 feet tall and he has dimples #winning!) The first two months it was honestly like a dream. Everything about the relationship seemed to be a recipe for love+marriage=baby in a Louis Vuitton carriage! Being the wonderful man he is, hecame to visit me in my hometown. Things were great and then all of a sudden I had one of my worst crying spell and meltdown and our relationship has suffered as a consequence of my emotional inconsistency. I recognized this is not just a NEW occurrence, this is something that has been happening to me for a VERY long time.
I have shared my feelings of abandonment that I experienced as a young child. There were moments in my life when I would wish that life would be better without me. I felt ignored. I felt looked over. I was abused and I felt NO ONE took up for me. NO ONE tried to defend me. NO ONE believed me. SO with every relationship I gravitated to men and attempted to make theme them my own personal mind readers and soul healers. Unfortunately I haven't had the pleasure of dating God or Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost, so all of these attempts to try to make me whole FAILED! HORRIBLY!!
This is such a sad story right?? ABSOLUTELY! Because of me not having any self esteem I was just a lonely, poor fat girl. The girl who felt she was never accepted by the popular people because she never fit in. The girl who felt she was never accepted by the smart kids because she didn't score high enough. The girl who felt she had to pretend to have all of these "activities" to do but would do NOTHING but go in her room and dream that she could escape the current to live in the abyss with a celebrity who didn't even knew she occupied space on Earth...
Okay! 23 years later, I'm now saying SO WHAT!! Everyone has a story. Everyone has a struggle. Everyone has the CHOICE to overcome and move past their challenges and move into triumphs. Tonight I was told (and I realized) it is so much easier to cry about things that are happening, but it takes so much strength to turn those negatives into positives!
I am still the fat girl, but I choose to embrace my curves and with each curve there was a YUMMY meal and dessert that made me HAPPY!
I am still the girl who is never accepted by the popular people. INSTEAD I have a gang of HILARIOUS, AWKWARD and INTELLIGENT people that support and encourage me to just BE ME!
I am still the girl who didn't score high enough, but THIS girl who didn't score high enough is in graduate school, riding on a 3.7 grade point average getting a Masters of Education Degree in May 2012.
I am still the girl who pretends to do tons of activities and in between me pretending I'm working with children who have autism at the local children's hospital, I am an assistant choral director, I am a studious graduate student, I am caring big sister, I am an obsessed aunt, I am a concerned daughter and I am MAKING A DIFFERENCE!
I am making a vow to do less crying and more action. Crying is okay sometimes, but when you over-water a plant, it still dies. I am not SUGGESTING anyone to hold their tears, however I am saying that its about knowing what's helpful and useful. I have become an emotional MESS in my attempts to sort out these issues that I have experienced over 16 years ago. At some point I have to move on. Something that I advocate to my clients is that it is IMPOSSIBLE to actually be a conduit of change if you're not READY for that change. I HATE New Year's Resolutions but I think it is vital for me to make a vow to God, you and myself that I start to accept responsibility for the choices I make and deal with the consequences according, which means for me, stop crying, stop complaining, stop being annoying and start believing that this is YOUR TIME!
Be brave. Be ready.
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