Kutting out the FAT!

I thought the most therapeutic thing for me to do about this KURRENT situation was for me to blog about it. Recently I have been doing a lot of soul searching. I have noticed that a lot of things that I have in my life I complain about because it's not what I feel as though I want or what I need, but as my mother so eloquently said earlier in my life "if you have a problem with everyone, the problem probably is not them it is YOU!" As of right now I am accepting the fact that I am the problem.

You have read me mention my insecurities growing up and even now.

I have never been officially okay with the way I look or the way I am... so below average! I have always been overweight. In addition to being overweight I was never the smartest person. I was never the most sought after girl. With the large amount of weight gain that I experienced in my young adolescent years, I was haunted by the words that some threw at me such as "you are a fat piece of trash" or "you are a fat b****" which took away a piece of my already incomplete heart. Not to mention how I was surrounded by beautiful women who were insightful, positive and intelligent and I felt so insignificant compared to them. Being one out of five children, my parents were completely fixated on just providing the basic essentials that emotional support was a very neglected perspective.

As time went on I entered into many relationships in search of validation from someone. I wanted to be liked by someone. I needed to hear someone say how incredible I was to them. Sure I was super popular in high school. Sure I won four senior superlatives. Sure I was Homecoming Queen. Sure I was on prom court. Deep down inside I was still a loser and still thought of myself as undesirable because at the end of every school day, where was I? Inside my house, watching tv, daydreaming of the day when I would get invited to a party. Okay so the day arrives when I am invited to a party and what do I say? NO! What the heck? This is what I wanted. Why didn't I want to go? Well by this time I had become a turtle. What was the point in going to parties if I knew I was going to be all by myself in the corner because no one wanted to dance with the fat girl.

It was almost like the universe was trying to convince me that I was someone but my mind had already built a distorted perception of who I was and who I was limited to being: a fat girl.

It took ONE guy to take advantage of my brokenness and that forever stained my perception of "how to please a man". After those encounters, it was unbelievable the amount of attention I craved from my boyfriends. Many of them seemed to love me for me. I was fun, intelligent, decent looking and I held the promise of good future to them, but to me I was still the fat girl. Well how do I repay someone for taking the time out of their schedule to like me? Uh, physicality of course. I thought that was my duty because to me, I was unlovable. I didn't deserve to be treated with respect, because I should have just been glad for anyone to like me at all.

Well I think I established a distorted conception about my own relationships. I could see other people's relationship and tell them what's wrong and how to fix it but I noticed I would be in these semi-long term relationships, but all of a sudden they would just end. Why? Because I would complain about little things because I wanted all the attention they had. I became an attention whore to the one person who gave me a little. I would convince them that they were never doing anything right and at some point they decided it was too much. So each time I would end a relationship I would go man hunting for someone and just latch on to the most ridiculous of ridiculous people thinking I could make a relationship work with them. Can you say gross and I realized I had developed the FAT GIRL MENTALITY.

Many of you who know me probably are thinking "Isn't Erica a church girl?" and the answer is YES and we (as church people) have the most emotional issues and until we get to a point where we can be honest with ourselves even God can't fix us. There is a mental block that doesn't get it .

Needless to say I am now in a relationship with a magnificent man. No one is perfect and no one is a mind reader. I don't want to disclose the details of my relationship, needless to say God Bless my man! lol! He has been patient in working with me and trying to make me happy. I don't know how he has been able to deal with me and all my lecturing about a whole bunch of nothing. I have went through so many "issues" with him only to realize it's not him, it was not my ex, it was not the guy I was talking to five years ago it is me.

The fat girl mentality is always looking for a quick fix to chronic problem. A fat girl mentality is looking to splurge on love and emotion but failing to find a healthy balance to live a healthy productive reality just like fat people who eat too much. My fat girl mentality robbed me of the years I had in college living as an insecure women not willing to take risks. My fat girl has nothing to do with weight. My fat girl mentality has nothing to do with intelligence. It has all to do with the neglect that I chose to give myself. I sit down and complain about situations in which I am not prepared to change. Just like eating is what fat people do in order to make themselves feel good about being fat, I complain about emotional duress to feel justified in being sad about life situations. I have to get to a place in my life where I love me unconditionally and because I want to feel loved. I must develop a comfort with myself to comprehend I may not be THE baddest chick but you better believe I'm in the top 15, lol. Maybe not to Hill Harper or shucks maybe not to the homeless man in Monroe Park but to ME I am everything that I want from me. I wanted to give a few tips on how to appreciate yourself.

1. Take yourself out on a date. At sometimes you have to look back on your life and think of the memories you made with yourself. Stop waiting for others to contribute to your passions and enthusiasm.

2. Stop comparing others to you. I have the biggest problem with this. I will look at people's bodies and say "dang, she got a banging body, I bet she has a fast metabolism." Who in their right mind would say this? ME!! This is poisonous to anyone's self-esteem. You must MEASURE the GROWTH and SUCCESS that you have seen within yourself. If you have goals that you know would make YOU better, write them down. Post them somewhere in which you would see them on a regular basis.

3. Allow yourself a small time frame to cry or do what you need to do release the feelings you are experiencing. Whether it's crying or journaling for a small period of time just to release those feelings of inferiority DO IT! If you don't it will become toxic for you and the people that are closest to you. Try not to go over the alloted time because then it becomes a pity party and you will fall back into the cycle.

4. Don't make excuses to be alone. You are worthy of the right people to be around you. You are worthy to be accepted for who you are. You are worthy to be socially accepted and there is someone, somewhere who is waiting to HELP you smile. Something that I remembered today is that I expect people to MAKE me smile, but smiling is ultimately my choice, maybe you just need help making that choice.

5. Don't settle. Get yourself together before making any commitments for a long period of time. I was covered by the grace and mercy of God that allowed some of my poor choices to be beneficial for me in the long run but just know that you can always do better. I absolutely love the decisions that I have made thus far, but many things I did because I felt as though I couldn't do any better. My expectations mirrored my self-esteem. Just because you may not feel good about yourself please know that you can always DO better for yourself.

This post is some of the most realistic perspectives of my life and how I have gotten from point A to point D. I am 23 years old and I hope that as I writing this, these suggestions become ingrained in my mind and spirit so that I may pursue those things in which I can only dream about. Now after it's all said and done, I don't want to be skinny and I don't want to have a skinny girl mentality? Heck no! Its about being healthy! It's about facing adversity and seeing the possibility to conquer those adversities without making EXCUSES on how to stay stuck! Be you! Be unique, but continue to grow!

I would also like to take this opportunity to thank those have stuck with me through all of my transgressions. Thank you for seeing who I could become! Thank you for seeing me in the good and the bad. Thank you for reminding me that I am what God says I am. I hope I am not to late with repairing some of the "arteries" or important people in my life that I have killed due to my excessive FAT! Hopefully tomorrow I will be more of who I want to become and you will too.

Be ready. Be strong.